Previously we emphasized the fact that sex is a need for men. Today, we’d like to focus on three things every guy needs to know about women and sex. Please note that what we’re about to share are general trends. Every woman is different and her needs will be different. Prayerfully consider this information and adapt it to best suit your marriage.
1. For most women, romance is more of a need than sex
Women tend to see romance as more of a need in a marriage than sex. Great, fulfilling sex is an outcome of a relationship in which her emotional needs are met. It’s the result of her feeling consistently loved, appreciated, and secure in her marriage.
To put it another way, whereas men need intercourse, a woman needs to have her emotional needs met. That difference often causes frustration in marriage, especially if the husband feels that he is making efforts to romance his wife. Keep an eye out for our future post on this subject—He says, She says (coming in March 2020).
Now, romance isn’t necessarily flowers and chocolates. Romance, in her eyes, can be something as simple as being held in a non-sexual way when she needs it. Or your undivided attention. Or even verbal/non-verbal affirmations that boost her confidence. However she perceives it, every husband should make it his goal to:
- Understand his wife’s romantic needs.
- Meet those romantic needs.
A high level of emotional intimacy in marriage makes a woman more open to physical intimacy.
Now, don’t get me wrong gentlemen. I’m not saying that you should compliment your wife in order to have more frequent sex. I am saying that, it’s a husband’s job to meet his wife’s emotional needs. Once those needs are met, she is more likely to want to be physically intimate.
Does that make sense? If not, comment below or send us a message.
2. Sex can be scary
When speaking at a church near Washington D.C., I made the comment that, for a woman, having sex can be like going to the gynecologist—except this time you live with the gynecologist.
There is nothing as intimate or intimidating as sex. Many women struggle with insecurity, especially in our sexually permissive world that is flooded with images of picture-perfect, unrealistic, breasts and butts. As a result, getting naked and coming to bed can be a traumatic experience for the average woman.
While insecurity may never fully disappear, a wise husband can minimize its effect by showing his wife that she arouses him, not just telling her she’s pretty. With time, patience, respect, and love can transform sex from something that’s dreaded into something that is enjoyed.
Besides insecurity, there are a host of other factors that play into a woman’s desire to get into bed. Things like hormones, work/parenting-related stress or even childhood/teen experiences can all be powerful players in her wanting sex.
Does this mean that she should control the frequency of sex?
I realize that may seem insensitive, but committed couples recognize that marriage—and sex—are about both husband and wife. Neglecting either party is a recipe for frustration.
Both parties must work together to overcome the barriers to sex and meet each other’s needs. Husbands play a big part in that. Keep an eye out for our last post this week on: Win her mind.
However, a husband should be considerate. If sex on a given night will be physically or emotionally painful, it would be best not to push her. For her part, she should try to push past the fear to better meet his needs as neglecting his sexual needs is not healthy for a marriage.
In the end, one principle should control everything for both husband and wife: love does not seek its own (1 Cor. 13 excerpt).
3. Sex isn’t always enjoyable for women
One of the reasons we don’t do TV in our home is because we’ve realized that movies (especially newer ones) often have sex scenes. And—besides the fact that we don’t believe couples should look at anyone naked beside their spouse for obvious reasons—the sex scenes in movies almost always have the woman climaxing.
That’s simply not true.
Women’s Day reports that 10-40% of women have trouble reaching orgasm with many women taking longer than men to climax. So, guys, don’t expect her to climax just because you’re her lover, or because you enjoyed it.
Work with her body, paying attention to its signals in order to help her enjoy being with you. After all, great sex is all about the other person’s pleasure, not yours.
By building their understanding, patience and a climate of trust, every couple has the ability to deepen their intimacy—in the bedroom and out.
Make love fearlessly.
Of course, in the US, women have problems climaxing because they are likely experiencing ciicumcised sex (with a husband who has been circumcised shortly after birth). Women in other countries where circumcision is not the norm, do not seem to have difficulty climaxing during intercourse. See Kristen Ohare’s work (2002, Sex as Nature Intended It).
Thanks Larry for the insight! Very thought provoking.
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