“For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife..”. (Matthew 19:5) When a man is prayerfully looking for a wife, he looks for a companion, lover and friend. He doesn’t go looking for someone who will be a mother to him. What man says to himself, “I need to get a wife who will be a mother to me.”? That may sound ridiculous but for some wives, they see their husband as a helpless child.
If a mother-wife wants to stop being a mother-wife and become the lover-wife, she needs to implement the “space and grace” attitude. (This is explained in the previous article.) She needs to allow her husband to be a man and stop treating him like a child.
A mother-wife may think that her husband is “lost” without her and perhaps may even like the childish dependency but that does not make a healthy relationship. She needs to change her methods so that she can see her husband as the man in her life. When she does this, she allows her husband a freedom that was not there before. He will start treating her more like a lover and less like a mother. And seeing his wife more as a lover will increase his desire and need to be intimate.
Here are some tips on how a mother-wife can become a lover-wife:
1. Be like Christ- The Lord forgives our mistakes and errors and gives us grace to try again. Take on the “space and grace” attitude.
2.Refocus- Correct yourself every time you think that your husband acts/is like a child. Remember that he is a man, your friend and the one who loves you!
3. Sweetly ask your husband to help with a simple task- say something like: “Darling, I would appreciate it sooo much if you could help me _______.” Give him a hug, a kiss or both. Start out with very specific and small tasks so that if he doesn’t do it, it won’t be a big deal.
4. Don’t do what you’ve requested him to do- even if it takes several hours, days or weeks. If your husband is used to you doing everything he will expect you to handle it. If you want the mother-wife cycle to break give him the chance to do this small task.
5. Do not nag or annoy your husband about your request- Proverbs 21:19 says,” It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Men don’t like nagging. In fact, no one does! This can also take intimacy away from a relationship.
6. Praise his efforts- No negativity, no corrections. Just thank him in a big way. A kiss or two is a great addition to your praise!
7. Respect- Remember your husband’s good qualities and characteristics. Respect him for that instead of how he failed to help around the house or with the kids.
8. Remember- Take time to remember the things he did or sacrifices he made for you. Let him know that you remember them and that you are thankful.
9. Time- Breaking the mother-wife cycle may not be broken in just weeks. It may take some time depending on how long you’ve carried on the mother-wife role and whether or not he/you grew up watching your own mothers be mother-wives.
10. No Complaints- Don’t voice complaints or give off an air of complaining. Be positive! Let the atmosphere around you be inviting for conversations, romance, and intimacy between you and your husband.
11. Success- As your husband helps out more and more, allow him to do things the way he does it. If the clothes weren’t folded the way you’d like or the carpet wasn’t vacuumed the way you’d do it, just be thankful he took the time to help out. Praise him in abundance when he lets you take a moment to relax. Remember, the more he helps out the better he’ll become at it.